The 8mm Movie-Meter

a 1 act play about Iron Man 2

2009-04-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

I recently read that Terrance Howard isn't going to be in the next Iron Man movie to play this guy.They replaced him with Don Cheadle and here is how I think that business meeting probably went

2 big-shot movie executives sit in a large office talking. Mr. Smith and Bob are their names. The phone on the desk makes a beep and a voice is heard. It's his secretary.

-Secretary: Uh, Mr. Smith.

Mr. Smith presses a button on the phone

-Mr. Smith: Yeah, what is it? (he releases the button) ya dumb broad.

The two men giggle

-Secretary: I just got off the phone with Terrance Howard's agent. He says he won't do Iron Man 2.

The two men quickly sit forward in their chairs and look at each other.

-Mr. Smith: What the fuck! That's fucking bullshit. Goddamn it! Fuck!

-Bob: Holy Shit! We're fucked. What the fuck are we going to do!?

-Mr. Smith: Well we might as well suck each other off and then blow our fucking brains out, because we. are. fucked!

-Bob: No! NO! We're not going down for that asshole. You know what we need to do?

The men make eye contact and smile ear to ear. The men simultaneously say, "Find a new black actor!". They high-five.

-Mr. Smith: Of course! It's so easy!

-Bob: Well, who can we get?

-Mr. Smith: Hmm, let me think... (he presses the button on his phone) Mary, see what... uh... what's Denzel Washington doing?

The men wait... the phone beeps

-Mary: He's filming Deja Vu 2. It's supposedly a huge piece of shit.

-Mr. Smith: Fuck! goddamn it.... uh.... what about Sameul L. Jackson?

-Bob: No way. That guy's like a hundred years old. He's old as fuck.

-Mr. Smith: He's not that o-

-Bob: As fuck, dude

-Mr. Smith: Christ... What about the guy from Blood Diamond? Digimon or something like that.

-Bob: Yeah.... Wait... does he speak English?

-Mr. Smith: I think so.... Actually, I'm not sure.... Lets try him anyway..(He presses the button again). Mary, call.... uuuuuuuuuhhhhh... I guess call the Congo. Yeah, can you call the Congo or one of those other countries and see if the guy from Blood Diamond is hanging out somewhere around there

Mary: Leonardo Dicaprio?

Mr. Smith: No! Not Leonardo Difuckingcaprio. The black guy, you dipshit.

Mary: Oh, he's busy filming the new Spike Lee movie.

Both men spend around 2o seconds yelling words like "fuck" and "shit" while occassionally making sexist comments about Mary and her tits. They calm down and grow quiet. The phone beeps.

-Mary: Sir, may I suggest Don Cheadle.

-Bob: ...Who is Don Cheadle?

-Mr. Smith: He's the guy from that Hotel movie

-Mary: Hotel Rwanda

-Mr. Smith: No! Hotel for fucking Dogs! You best get your fucking shit straight before I polish my knuckles with your fucking incisors.

-Bob: I still don't know who you're talking about. Who's Don Cheadle?

Mr. Smith sighs and begins typing on his computer's keyboard for a few seconds. He pulls up a picture of Don Cheadle and turns the monitor towards Bob. Bob looks confused.

-Bob: Hmmph. I thought that was Terrance Howard...

The Aviator (2004)

2009-03-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

(2004)

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Blanchett, Alec Baldwin
Director: Martin Scorcese
Synopsis: A look at a portion of Howard Hughes' life

Nick's Insight: So if you haven't heard (you shouldn't have heard) my son has a sweet new band called Eyes of Noctum. Earlier today I was perusing their myspace page and noticed that, unbeknowst to me, my son changed his goddamn name from Weston Cage to simply "Arcane". What the Fuck! Granted, Arcane is more badass than Weston Cage, but not by very much. Plus, only total bitches change their name to make it sound cooler.

If only he had gone to law school like his daddy wanted...

Anyway, I guess I have to review a fucking movie now. I watched the Aviator and it was really good. Certain people have compared Leonardo Dicaprio to myself for years now, and while I do see similarities in our appearances, I just don't see it on the screen.

I'm constantly hearing about how good he is at acting, but he just doesn't do it for me. Sure, he played a good retard in that Gilbert Grape pile of shit, but what else has he been in. Nothing big, I'm sure.

Plus, how can you even pay attention to any of his movies when you spend the whole time swimming in his eyes. I could eat his peach for hours.

No matter how young, how attractive, and how talented he is, I still believe that I'll win an Oscar before he does... Oh, What's that? BLAM, Motherfucker!

Suck it, Pussy

So, Leo Dio plays Howard Hughes, a rich eccentric with several mental disorders, including OCD and some phobias. Martin Scorcese of course did an incredible job of portraying the real Howard Hughes and was extremely detailed in his account of Hughes' life. Here's an example of his hilarious OCD. He also knows how to spell quarantine. I suggest skipping to the 1:00 mark of this clip.

If you didn't notice from that clip, Howard Hughes' head engineer is Luis Carruthers, the biggest doofus in the business.

That engineer is a tumbling, tumbling dickweed

I really respect this movie for showing just how batshit crazy Howard Hughes was in real life. Although I really would have enjoyed seeing him in his later life when he lived in a Las Vegas penthouse and wore kleenex boxes on his feet. I also wish that more people had come in with the milk. come with the milk.

There's one scene in this movie where a plane crashes so awesomely that it makes that plane crash from Cast Away look like old, old diarrhea in Tom Hanks' toilet.

The climax of the movie comes when Hughes is accused of not producing military airplanes that the government had funded during World War 2. This is just fine with me. I've never believed in any type of heavy-machinery in wars. All I need is my rifle and Stabby, my trusty bayonet.

*dictated but not read

Adding it Up: Hilarious Mental Disorders + Sweeter Plane Crash + Coming in with the milk = 7.2 out of 8mm

Cast Away (2000)

2009-01-26T18:46:00.000-08:00

(2001)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Helen Hunt
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Synopsis: Tom Hanks is on an island

Nick's Insight: Surprise, Surprise. That no-talent cleft-palette is back at it. Apparently Joaquin Pheonix has quit acting and, fingers crossed, will soon be doing his best Eazy-E impression by taking an AIDS dirt-nap. Look at this bag of shit rapping:

The video is kind of grainy, so you can't see the intricacies of this douche's beard. Listen, we all know why he grew a beard, but not even a big, bushy beard can hide his hair-lip.

I guess you should try a comb-over.

Other than laughing at Jaoquin's dumb ass, I recently won my fantasy football league... No fucking thanks to Andre Johnson. I almost lost in the semi-finals because that Soloman Vandy looking mother fucker couldn't catch a goddamn ball. I guarantee you that motherfucker would have had a career game if Matt Schaub had been throwing blood diamonds at him.

He would have stiff-armed four or five African guerillas and then celebrated by spiking his blood diamond and snorting a rail of brown-brown.

So anyway, I watched Cast Away this weekend. We've all seen this movie. Tom Hanks is in an airplane crash and then goes to an island for a while. He has to do shit to survive and the whole time he misses his wife.... But get this, his wife is Helen Hunt... Weird right!? Who would ever miss Helen Hunt. I mean c'mon.

Just Terrible

Remember in Face/Off when I said I could eat a peach for hours, but I was actually talking about pussy? Well this peach has gone bad. In fact, this peach makes me want to swear off all peaches and switch over to dicks... i mean bananas

I was watching this movie and I couldn't help but think that I had seen it before. Then it hit me, Cast Away is exactly like my movie the Rock. He's trying to get off an island, I'm trying to get hostages off Alcatraz. He's got a volleyball, I stab a needle into my heart. See!? Same fucking movie! Except for the fact that Cast Away is not as good and it doesn't have me yelling "butthole" in it.

Do you want an acting tip from THE Nicolas Cage? Here you go: if a script calls for you to use the word "butt-hole" or any type of "hole", you fucking swing for the goddamn fences. If you do that you may one day be as famous as me... Also, be sure to blink a lot.

So Tom Hanks is on this island and then he gets off that island... That's about it. At one point he loses his volleyball and cries about it like a total fucking peach.

Adding it up: Sweet plane crash + Huge beard - no cannibals = 6.2 out of 8mm

Superman II (1980)

2008-12-16T16:08:00.000-08:00

1980

Starring: Christopher Reeve, Margot Kidder, Gene Hackman, Zod

Director: Richard Lester
Synopsis: While Superman is on a getaway with Lois Lane, the world is attacked by 3 alien criminals with powers comparable to Superman! What powers you ask... I don't know, how about the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... with mind bullets.

Nick's Insight: The past few weeks sure have been hectic. First I saw this picture of my ol' pal Travolta:

As soon as I saw this, I rushed to his house to console him. I told him I would be with him until the end and that the last thing he would see is an old friend's caring face. I spent day after day with Travolta laughing, telling stories of days past, and spooning Chunky soup into his dumb mouth.

When he finally told me that he didn't have cancer, I stormed out of his house while yelling, "Well don't fucking call me again until you do, faggot!"

Other than that, I just finished up filming my next movie, Knowing. Here's a screen shot of the film:

I don't want to spoil anything about this scene, but let's just say that I may be inquiring as to "how'd it get burned?! How'd it get burrrrned!? How'd it get burned?!"

On to Superman II.

This movie lagged at parts, but overall it was very enjoyable. Although the comedic relief was too much at times, the plot was good and it developed the characters well. It also developed the romance between Lois Lane and Superman, but I was disappointed that they never got around to humping. Granted, Superman would have shattered her pelvis and his load would've exploded her head, but, c'mon Lois, don't be such a prude.

There was one scene in this movie where Superman gets fucked up in a fight at a diner. Sure, at the time he didn't have any of his powers, but I still could've beat that guy's ass. Look at what I used to do in the 90's and I was no Superman... I was just on Steroids.

the emotion is palpable

There was one part of this movie that I feel really exceeded the first Superman: the new villians. Don't get me wrong, Gene Hackman fucking rules, but this new guy is so much more badass...

General Zod is the fucking greatest bad guy of the 80's. He's gets people to kneel before him all the time, he says his own name like a hundred fucking times, AND he can fly through space without his blood evaporating.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber... (2008)

2008-11-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

(2008)

Starring: Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman, Helen Bonham Carter
Director: Tim Burton
Synopsis: A Barber returns to queer-off and exact revenge after being incarcerated and losing his wife and daughter.

Nick's Insight: Hold on. Let me get this right. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp made a fucking movie? Get the fuck outta here! I wonder if it'll be all dark and stuff! OH! and hopefully everyone will be all pale so their teeth look like Steve Buschemi's

Yay, I was right. This is so awesome, new, and fresh...

You look like you would enjoy Eyes of Noctum

But in all seriousness, They have made a bunch of movies together and they're currently working on more. After all, it's hard for them to make movies without each other since they are perpetually docking one another. Could you imagine casting someone else with Johnny Depp's fleshy turtle-neck on your helmet? Don't get me wrong, Depp's cool and all, but branch out, Tim. There's plenty of other actors out there dying to dock you, bro. *coughmecoughcough*

On to Sweeney Todd. You know what you do if you need to turn an hour long movie into a 2 hour one... Make it a musical! That way you can really grind shit to a halt and drag out the story-line and make me stop watching half way through. Yes I know, I'm reviewing a movie I didn't finish, but I noticed that my maid wasn't sterilizing my hats the way I like, so I had to yell at her for a while in a language she doesn't understand.

Here's an example of this movie taking forever... No need to watch the whole thing.

No shit, that's a 5 minute clip about a straight-razor that I could've trimmed down to 1 line without breaking a sweat.

Okay, 2 lines.

Plus the music was barely listenable. It was all choppy and most of it never sounded quite right. I understand that this is inevitable when incorporating plot into songs, but I still prefer songs that I can tap my foot to... or at least Sieg Heil to.

Alan Rickman was the antagonist in this movie and I really enjoy his work. I really am a fan... It just sucks that the best scene he ever filmed ended in the parking lot of Nakatomi Plaza. I can only hope that he landed on a fat, black police officer and made Carl-Winslow-pizza.

I've come to the realization that I already didn't like this movie before I watched it because I had to listen to people say how great it was, but I still think the first half was bad. However, since I didn't finish it, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

Adding It Up: Tim Burton schtick - 1/2 of the music is miserable + Hans Gruber + Sweet death scenes= ? out of 8mm

Tenebre (1982)

2008-11-02T18:28:00.002-08:00

(1982)

Starring: Anthony Franciosa, Daria Nicolodi
Director: Dario Argento
Synopsis: Murders surround an author on a publicity tour in Rome for his latest book, "Tenebre".

Nick's Insight: Well I spent a pretty shitty Halloween at the record release party for my son's super awesome new band, Eyes of Noctum ... Just kidding, they totally fucking blow. Didn't you see their name? It's amazing that the venue wasn't completely fucking empty with a name like "Eyes of Noctum". Plus, everyone knows who has the musical talent in the family.

My therapist says that I didn't pay my son enough attention when he was growing up, but what would make anyone think he wants attention...

Of course the music sucked shit, so I spent most of the concert sitting in a bathroom stall. It was pretty uneventful until someone stuck their weiner through a hole in the partition. I ran out and was all like, "What the fuck, bro! What the fuck, bro!" and it was that goddamn Jeff Goldblum. He turned all red and stuttered and bulged his eyes out and shit. It was pretty awkward until he busted out some brown-brown and we harassed fat heavy metal chicks going to the bathroom.

Other than that, the only other thing I did this weekend was watch Tenebre. This movie was pretty sweet. The only problem I really had with it was that the dubbing was all messed up. That and Daria Nicolodi's fucked up grill.

Have you been snowballing red-wine with Steve Buscemi again?

Tenebre had a whole bunch of titties and stabbings, but the thing that really caught my eye was this bad ass fucking dog.

I haven't seen a dog rock the shit that hard since Man's Best Friend climbed a tree and downed a cat like a fucking anaconda.

Here's my favorite death scene of the movie. This girl gets her shit rocked and then does some abstract art on her wall..

And this guy... I wouldn't worry about this little guy

Adding it up: Sweet music + Hardcore dog - Poor dental hygiene + blood spray + Plus plenty of Scatman Crothers from the Shining Impressions= 5.8 out of 8mm

The Wicker Man (1978)

2008-10-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

(1978)

Starring: Edward Woodward, Christopher Lee
Director: Robin Hardy
Synopsis: A Nick Cage rip-off goes to a remote island to find a missing girl who the villagers claim never existed.

Nick's Insight: I finally got around to watching the original the Wicker Man. I know, I know. I probably should have watched it as research before I filmed the remake in 2006. Get off my back! I'll tell you what I've told every director in this town: I don't do acting coaches, and I don't do research.

The Wicker Man is about a policeman who goes to an island inhabited by a pagan community to look for a lost girl. This cult has only two things on its mind: humping in public and apples. That's right, apples... No bees. For some fucking reason they changed the village's main food source from apples in the '78 version, to bees in my version. And everyone knows that I have tendency to get bees in my eyes. What? Oh, you want proof?

People pork eachother out in public and stuff. At one point this movie even turned into softcore dance party that apparently had music written by Enya.

This video is edited, but you get to see just about everything except you never really get a good angle on her muff. However, since this was filmed in 1978, I would assume that her vag looks like Richard Dreyfuss' chin.

I ended up enjoying this movie immensely, which made me wonder which movie was better, my version or the original. I decided to watch my 2006 version again, because the first time I watched it I coincidentally had a bee in my eye... This time didn't go much better...

Yeesh. Well, it pains me to say this, but the original is better... I guess I didn't realize how bad the 2006 version was. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly not my fault... Personally I blame the costume designer for not putting genitals on my bear outfit like I had asked... dumb bitch.

Adding it up: Plenty of tits + Saruman + No bees = 6.6 out of 8mm

The Happening (2008)

2008-09-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

2008

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, John Leguizamo
Director: M. Night Shamyanalaannannnnanan
Synopsis: A neurotoxin is mysteriously released in the north-east US and, guess what, Mark Wahlberg is there.

Nick's Insight:
After making the bad choice of going on an all Volcano Taco diet last week, I got some time to lay around, rub ointment on my balloon-knot, and catch up on some NFL football.

So, Here's Nick's NFL Corner: You may be asking yourself, "well, what does Nicolas Cage know about football?" Well, suck my balls. I know plenty. I love football so much that I even tried out for the part of Willy Beaman in Any Given Sunday. I didn't get the part, however, because they said my feet weren't quick enough and my butt wasn't high enough.

Anyway, my prediction for this week is that Braylon Edwards will fall even deeper into his self-pity induced depression and possibly quit football by the end of the season... maybe even kill himself. I also predict that Tony Kornheiser will be a fucking douchebag and half of the viewing audience will say something like, "I never thought I'd miss Dennis Miller, but..."

You're fucking up my fantasy line-up, Broseph

Back to the Happening, or should I say back to a stilted piece of dogshit that I was, yet again, tricked into watching due to the fact that the brown director made the Sixth Sense. I'm not sure if it was bad acting or bad writing that ruined this movie, but since I like Mark Wahlberg, I'm going to assume that the blame falls on the 8th grader that wrote the dialogue in this movie. Sure, the death scenes were sweet and all, but that doesn't make up for the other 60 minutes of ill-constructed plot and other vapid doo-doo. And, besides, if you're looking for sweet death scenes, look no further than Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive.

In this movie Mark Wahlberg plays a high school science teacher who winds up leading a small group of people away from a mysterious happening... That's right, that's where the name comes from. It should have just been named "That thing... you know, that happened".

At one point Wahlberg mentions how bee populations are dwindling, which is just fine with me. The last time I was around bees they were all in my eyes and stuff...

And I don't know who put Mark in charge... The whole movie he only had one thing in mind.

This movie also tried to sneak in an environmental statement, which is one thing I fucking haaaaate.

Adding it up: Getting bamboozled by M. Night yet again + Dirk Diggler's dong - Awful dialogue + Guy getting run over by lawnmower= 3.5 out of 8mm.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

2008-09-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

1994

Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp
Director: Wes Craven
Synopsis: In a fictional world where the Nightmare on Elm Street series is popular (LOLz), Freddy comes to life to kill those involved in the making of the newest sequel.

Nick's insight: I recently had to put my movie reviews on hold for a number of reasons. First, I had to go on a whirlwind PR tour for my recent blockbuster Bangkok Dangerous, which I'm sure dozens of you saw and handfuls of you loved. What really matters is I made millions of dollars and you didn't.

Also, I've been on an all soylent-green diet and a hardcore work out schedule to get in good enough shape for my next movie, Kick-Ass (that seriously is the name of my next movie. I know, baaadaaaass, right?).

Hard as fuck, son

Well, New Nightmare follows the regular template of the movies in the Elm St series. Freddy fucks around with the main character for like an hour, no one believes him/her, Freddy kills all of the non-believers and gets killed himself by the afore mentioned main character. Did I ruin it for you? Awww, my bad. Well, I actually just ruined every horror movie for you, but they're still awesome.

One thing I've always loved about Freddy Kruger is his back story. He originally lived on Elm St. where he ~~touched~~ killed children. He got caught ~~diddling~~ murdering a young lads pants and the town locals burned his house down with him in it. In response he haunts the dreams of the town's children.

I was once haunted by Freddy Kruger while I was filming Snake Eyes. I was scared shitless and never wanted to sleep again, so I called up Gary Sinese and bought as much crystal meth as I could afford at the time (Which was a lot after the previous year. 1997 was good to me. Con-Air AND Face/Off, Bitch!). I didn't sleep for 3 weeks, and I guess Freddy just gave up. Either that or he got grossed out when I took my first shit in 3 weeks and I came at the same time. I threw the contents of my toilet into the freezer because I knew that it was important, and I was right. I had enough poopers to make moustaches for the entire shooting of World Trade Center.

Only gentlemen wear moustaches made of shittys

One sweet part of this movie was when Freddy drags a babysitter to the ceiling and stabs her to death with his claws. It was a screamfest for sure, but no one knows cinematic screams like the bad guy from Dirty Harry.

I also know how Freddy Kruger loves to murder children, but, again, this movie should take a page out of the the bad guy from Dirty Harry's playbook.

There's nothing like hearing that song sung through tears.

Anyway, this movie's heart was in the right place, but they tried way too hard. Oh, and Wes Craven bent over backwards to get himself a scene in this movie... which sucked

Adding it up: ~~TypeCast~~ Awesome Robert Englund + most of the original cast - No Johnny Depp Death Scene - Wes Craven's shitty acting = 5 out of 8mm

Face/Off (1997)

2008-08-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

1997

Starring: Nicolas Cage, John Travolta
Director: John Woo
Synopsis: Me and John Travolta switch faces and shoot at each other for 2 hours.

Nick's insight:
First off, let me apologize for not posting these past couple of weeks. I’ve been busy putting together my 12^th annual charity benefit for mentally-challenged children with sleeping disorders.

(What can I say? I like to give back to those who enjoy my acting)

So, if you have any old waterbeds, shoot me an email. It doesn’t matter if they’re messed up or leaking… They’ll never notice.

I know that I've never reviewed one of my own movies before, but I felt that it was time. I also saw Jeremiah Johnson this weekend, but I don’t feel that it warrants an entire review, so I present to you the first 8mm movie-meter mini-movie-meter movie review. Jeremiah Johnson gets 5.5 out of 8mm.

If you’re into watching Robert Redford walk around in the woods for 2 hours, be my guest and rent this movie. Robert has tried to hang out with me before, but I personally don’t like being close to him. Not that he’s a bad guy or anything… It’s just because of that airborne hantavirus that he totes around on his face.

Sorry, Robbie. I don't hang with super-carriers.

Anyway, back to Face/Off. I haven't seen this movie since it premiered in '97, so I had forgotten what it was about. Travolta and I shoot guns at each other the entire movie, and we miss every fucking time. In real life, I just need one bullet to turn Travolta's fat head into floor-pizza. It's so big that it's pretty much impossible to miss... It's like a Kennedy head... too soon?

The action scenes in this movie were all ridiculously over-the-top. I would have to imagine that the pitch meeting went something like the part of this clip after 1:10.

While we were filming this movie, Travolta was always doing shit that weirded me out. I know that Travolta occasionally likes to kiss men (Evidence), but one time on the set of Face/Off, Travolta and ~~Aaron Eckhart~~ Thomas Jane kissed each other on the mouth. It was fucking gross, but then their unshaved butt-chins rubbed against each other and something strange happened. Suddenly, I saw the light of God. He spoke to me of the evil of my vices and how awesome Con-air was. I was so touched by His grace that I fell onto my knees and wept… However, being a devout Christian, which I had just become, I felt obligated to take a 2x4 and beat those queens to within an inch of their lives.

After this religious experience, I forged the papers necessary to become a priest and began to take advantage of my new beliefs.

Rating:I feel bad about giving one of my own movies anything less than 8mm, but Face/Off lost some points because you can't transplant organs between two different blood-types (get your fucking Immunology right, John Woo). Also, it could have used a snuff film or two. I have to give it 7.9 out of 8mm.

All the Right Moves (1983)

2008-07-20T08:58:00.001-07:00

(1983)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Craig T. Nelson, Lea Thompson
Director: Michael Chapman
Synopsis: Tom Cruise's last chance for a bright future is a college football scholarship, but his coach is standing in his way.

Nick's Insight:
Like the rest of the country, I went to the Batman: the Dark Knight this weekend. I had already seen it once at the LA premier, but out of respect for Heath Ledger's memory, I went incognito since I didn't want to cause a scene. Here's a picture of me waiting in line for tickets:

The morning after seeing Batman for the second time, I ran into ~~Thomas Jane~~ Aaron Eckhart and told him how much I liked his the Dark Knight. I also asked him how it feels to make like a billion fucking dollars with one movie. His butt chin responded with,

He then placed his index finger over his dimple and whispered, "shhhh, shhh, not in public.... you know that."

Anyway, everyone knows that the Dark Knight is good, so I'm not going to review it. Instead, I'm going to tell you about All the Right Moves. Tom Cruise plays a 4'11'' high school cornerback who probably weighs around 120 lbs. He gets kicked off of the team after standing up to his coach (Craig T. Nelson) and begins to realize that his hopes of getting a college scholarship and leaving his hometown are waning.

It's a pretty good movie, but I had trouble paying attention since I spent the whole movie trying to accumulate proof to help support a theory I have about Tom Cruise. I believe that Tom Cruise is a genetic phenomenon. I've discovered that Tom Cruise does, in fact, have one tooth directly in the middle of his face.

Exhibit A:

I believe that Tom Cruise may be the only man to have out grown Hydrocephalus. This could be one of the greatest scientific finds of the new century. Also, his wife is equally important because, according to Batman Begins, she has a rare genetic disorder that gave her 4 nipples.

Exhibit B

From my calculations, they are capable of having 4 children at one time with a gestation period half that of a normal human. They should grow up to look something like this...

In only a few years, they could have an entire army. Save us, Lord Zenu.
(Blessings and praise be upon his name)

Anyway, All the Right Moves is actually a really good sports movie. You get to see Marty McFly's mom's boobies, an 18-year-old Chris Penn, and you get to see Craig T. Nelson really put the nail in his typecast-coffin. Also, coach gives one of the best pre-game speeches in cinematic history... the part right after 2:00 really gets me pumped up.

Don't sugar-coat it, coach

Adding it up: Chris Penn + Lorraine Mcfly's adorable rack + a perfect 80's soundtrack + inspirational speeches = 6 out of 8mm

Alien (1979)

2008-07-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

(1979)

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Ian Holm
Director: Ridley Scott
Synopsis: A mining spaceship unknowingly picks up an opportunistic alien species that wants to hitch a ride to Earth.

Nick's Insight:

Last night I invited my buddy Phillip Seymour Hoffman over to watch Alien. We've been talking for a while about having a movie-night where we get wine-drunk and use our oscars to eat fondu, and it finally happened last night.

Alien was an incredible movie. Everything about it is awesome. I mean Everything! Well.... maybe not everything...Sigourney Weaver apparently has the worst ass since humans evolved buttholes. That ass has the sexual appeal of a beheading video. She must make awful poopers. put on some pants, you dude.

Anyway, this movie is sweet in every way. Every other movie in the Alien franchise is somewhat dumbed down, but this movie has everything that a well-rounded movie should have. I personally consider it a distant 2nd behind 2001: A Space Odyssey for the best sci-fi movie of all time.

You watch this movie and you can't help but love that alien. It bleeds acid and doesn't need eyes. Plus, guess what's in his mouth... Another fucking mouth. That's hard as fuck, son. Predator can go shit in his hat.

You said it, Jesse

Since it was a scary movie, I was pretty nervous about watching it with Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He's ridiculously fat and out of shape and I think he would have a heart-attack if he had to tie his own shoes. I mean, his blood has to look like oatmeal and I didn't want a repeat of when I gave George C. Scott a heart-attack by showing him 2 girls 1 cup.

That guy could never take a joke.

After the movie, Phillip and I were sitting around talking about the movie's tag-line: "In space no one can hear you scream." Phillip didn't understand what that meant because he's a fucking idiot who doesn't understand the physics of outer space. I berated him for about half an hour after that. The whole time he just sat there crying and eating a whole loaf of bread. He was such a bitch about it. He was all like...

It's healthy that you're finally coming to terms with it

Adding it up: Scary alien + Ian Holm bleeding milk + flamethrower - Sigourney Weaver's ass= 7.5 out of 8mm.

Wall-E (2008)

2008-07-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

(2008)

Starring: Jeff Garlin, Fred Willard, Sigourney Weaver
Director: Andrew Stanton
Synopsis: After 700 years of living on a spaceship, the human race's only chance of returning to a pollution stricken Earth lies in the hands of a robot who wants some ass.

Nick's Insight:
Happy America's birthday to all!

The 4th of July is easily my favorite holiday. It renews my pride in my beloved country, gives me the opportunity to tell off a few of my family members, and I get the rare chance to play my favorite drinking game, roadblock slalom. I normally tie on a nice overnight drunk, commit manslaughter, and wind up breaking into my lawyer's office and hiding under his desk until he gets to work the next morning. However, today was a little different.

I started my day by going by my dealer's apartment so I could get some drugs before I went to see Wall-E with my old pal Jeff Goldblum. For years we've been going to movies together and gauging who's more famous by seeing who gets recognized more. He normally wins, but, then again, he's a 6'6'' freak that looks and acts like a cartoon character. What can I do? I'm only 6 feet tall. Anyway, I bought 5 grams of brown-brown so I could properly celebrate the Fourth. I know that I just said I normally get drunk on the Fourth, but the last time I got drunk with Jeff Goldblum, he got so drunk that he puked all over one of my body guards.

What a lush

During the movie, Jeff put his weiner through a hole in the popcorn bucket. I didn't know what to say, so I just ate around it. He's always doing weird shit like that. Anyway, It was the first time I had eaten popcorn with egg whites drizzled all over it. It was good, but it tasted kinda like bleach.

The movie was pretty good. Everyone's saying how awesome it is, but it's pretty good... That's all. It was very well done and the plot itself was pretty interesting, but they lost some points by trying to make an environmental statement. Also, I was let down that there weren't any aliens in this movie. If there's one thing that I'm good at, it's dealing with aliens.

Like most problems in this world, it can be solved with line-dancing and Pachinko.

On our way out of the theater, an old lady gave us a tongue-lashing because, allegedly, we were snorting loudly and yelling racial slurs at the children in the seats in front of us. Well, needless to say, Jeff took care of her.

I enjoyed this movie thoroughly, but it's absolutely ridiculous that it is the 14th highest rated movie on IMDB. Wall-E is not better than Raiders of the Lost Ark, and It's certainly not better than Goodfellas. Get real, movie-goers.

Adding it up: Sweet animation - Attempted romantic relationship between two robots + Jeff Garlin= 5.5 out of 8mm

Friday the 13th: Part II (1982)

2008-06-22T15:59:00.002-07:00

(1982)

Starring: No one famous
Director: Steve Miner
Synopsis: A group of campers return to Crystal Lake 5 years after the original murders. Little do they know that the lake is protected by Jason Voorhees, a masked killer who never learned to read.

Nick's Insight: Nobody takes the Friday the 13th series seriously anymore, and why should they? After seeing him go to Manhattan, Elm Street, and outer space, the concept of Jason Voorhees seems... well, it seems retarded.

However, the truth of the matter is that the first two movies of this series really are scary. They're scary because they kept it simple. Part 2 found something simple that everyone can agree is terrifying: A retard out in the woods that wants to stab everyone... Tell me one thing that's scarier.

Get that man a chromosome

One thing I can't understand is how did Jason get so strong. I have to work be to as strong and as healthy as I am. I work out twice a month, drink 3 soylent green smoothies a day, and have my genitals professionally cleaned everytime I leave the country. I started having these cleanings after I snorted brown-brown and winded up getting AIDS from a Namibian hooker. When I found out she had AIDS, she said something along these lines:

My wife was super pissed when she smelled my weiner when I got home. When she asked me what the smell was, I looked deep into her eyes and yelled,

Anyway, back to Jason. Somehow Jason has the strength of a power-lifter but his diet must be awful. If I know anything about retarded people, which I should (I've met Ben Affleck like 5 times), his diet probably consists of pennies and old gum. But then again, retard strength is not only real... it's a pandemic.

Anyway, this movie is fucking sweet. A few weeks ago I read that some people are planning on remaking it, and with the talent that we have here in Hollywood, I'm sure they'll be able to turn it into a huge pile of dog-shit.

Adding it up: A scary re-re + a classic slasher movie = 7 out of 8mm

The Mist (2007)

2008-05-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

Starring: Thomas Jane... No wait, Aaron Eckhart.... Nevermind, I was right the first time.
Director: Frank Darabont
Synopsis: A cloud engulfs a town and brings monsters with it. OoooOOooooH OOOoooOOOOH It's a spooky ghost story OoooooOoOOOOh.

Nick's Insight: Let me start off by apologizing for not posting these past few weeks, but being addicted to quaaludes is no walk in the park. Anyway, The good news is that the ludes made my eczema go away; however, the bad news is that I don't remember filming my new movie Bangkok Dangerous (Coming out Fall of this year!). I've been trying to find out what it's about, but no one returns my calls. Allegedly, I caused a ruckus on the last day of filming because I noticed that the producers didn't add 9 exclamation points to the end of the title like I suggested.

It's like Rush Hour but nine times more dangerous

Apparently, I screamed at a group of interns while throwing DVDs of The Wicker Man at their feet (which they deserved) and then hit a caterer in the back of the head with my Oscar. She ended up taking like a 3-day coma after that and now claims that she can't remember how to multiply (I think she's faking... and I would know. I've played doctors and shit before). But, that incompetent nobody had it coming ever since she burned my breakfast toast. When I saw the toast, I was all like...

So, back to the Mist. I was dissappointed in this movie. I'm pretty much always disappointed when a Stephen King movie blows ass. But then again, I guess they can't all be as sweet as the Shining.

This movie isn't even really a horror. It's more of a psychological thriller about how people deal with a stressful situation. You know, like a hostage situation... or like a war... or like when stupid CGI monsters trap you in a grocery store.

The end of this movie is actually pretty hardcore. Thomas Jane ends up shooting all of the survivors with the gun that he was hiding in the his gigantic dimple.

SPOILER ALERT!: No, but seriously. He does shoot his son, and it almost saves the movie... almost.

Adding it up: Thomas Jane's Butt-chin - Shitty CGI + Respectable Ending= 4.5 out of 8mm

What Women Want (2000)

2008-03-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

(2000)

Starring: Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt
Director: Nancy Meyers
Synopsis: After be electrocuted Mel Gibson gains the ability to hear what women are thinking.

Nick's Insight: This movie is unbelievable. Not in the complementary way... It's just flat out silly. first off, Mel Gibson is just shy of 83 years old and yet he gets eye-fucked by every big-titted 18-year-old in Chicago.

Line up ladies

Another thing I couldn't figure out about this movie is why would Mel Gibson mess around with Helen hunt when he was banging models before. I mean... Helen Hunt is just... so... awful...

Just awful

She has a forehead like James Woods.

Mel Gibson gets electrocuted three times in this movie and never even wakes up with a headache. He drops a hairdryer in a bathtub that he's standing in... of course he's fine though. nobody ever dies when that happens... Get real, Mel.

I hope Mel doesn't take any of this personally though. We're actually pretty good drinking buddies. We like to hang out, compare hairlines, and swap our views concerning the Jewish religion and our final solution. We also occasionally break out with a choreographed dance routine that is in no way gay as shit. However, the scat session afterwards certainly is.

you know... cause people actually do stuff like this when they're alone

Adding it up: Mel Gibson's anti-semitism + Helen Hunt terrible calves and ankles = 4 out of 8mm.

Blades of Glory (2007)

2008-03-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

(2007)

Starring: Will Ferrell, Jon Heder
Director(s): Josh Gordon, Will Speck
Synopsis: Will Ferrell is a sports icon.... Get it? Tee Hee!

Nick's Insight: That's enough Will Ferrell. You were funny on SNL, but if you keep making pieces of shit like this, it's merely a matter of time before I hate you. We get it, you can improv and say stuff. I can improv too. Check this out... Uh... Jon Heder is a faggot. See? Hilarious.

What a terrible face this guy has. Oh, and Napoleon Dynamite blew shit. If you liked Napoleon Dynamite then I can guarantee that I will not like you or any of your ideas/opinions/stances on gay marriage.

I've actually watched this movie twice now. The first time I was high as balls and I still didn't find it funny. The second time I saw it, I tried to make a toe attachment for my shotgun.

die

If I had to pick one thing that makes this movie worth watching it would be Jenna Fischer's rockin' boobage.

Adding it Up: Jon Heder's stupid ass + Pam's sweet rack = 2 out of 8mm

I am Legend (2007)

2008-03-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

(2007)

Starring: Just Will Smith, right? Think again.

Director: Francis Lawrence
Synopsis: A plague killed everyone on the planet except for Dr. Robert Neville (Will Smith)... Then he fights zombies.

Nick's Insight: I'm not going to ask why there were zombies in this movie, because they were bad-ass. I'm not going to poke fun at Will Smith, because we're both millionaire Hollywood actors (Plus, who's the one with the Oscar?). I'm not going to say many bad things about this movie because most remakes these days blow ass. The only thing that I couldn't figure out about this movie is when did Dr. Neville become black? He was beautifully hansome and white in the Omega Man. I mean, was becoming black a side-effect of being immune to the plague?... I think I'd rather take the plague.

The years were terrible to Dr. Neville

I respect Will Smith to a point. In 2002 Will Smith got in good enough shape to be believable as Muhammed Ali and everyone wanted to suck his dick and give him an Oscar. Seriously? Did no one see Ghostrider? Fuck Muhammed Ali, do you know how hard it is to get as ripped as a comic-book hero?

One thing I never knew about Will Smith is that when he was a young child he saw the movie mannequin and was so terrified that now he does things like this when he sees a mannequin:

That was actually filmed during the lunch break. He had no idea any cameras were on. Get that man some psychiatric care.

The most emotional scene in the movie is when Will Smith has to kill his only friend, his dog, by choking it out when it gets the plague. I get that it's sad and all, but strangling a dog is so easy... try choking out a travolta.

We filmed this scene in only one take and I had to be tasered until I let go.
Travolta still has a restraining order on me.

Adding it up: Will Smith + Dog Killing + Sweet Zombies - Attempt at a Tearjerker = 6 out of 8mm.

The Fountain (2006)

2008-03-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

(2006)

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Synopsis: The movie is centered around three parallel stories spanning over a thousand years. Luckily each story stars Huge Jackoff.

Nick's Insight: I watched this movie. I mean, I really watched this movie, and I honestly have no idea what it was about. Some stuff happens and Hugh Jackman is a pussy... That's about it. Hugh's wife is dying, but she's also the queen of Spain during the inquizition. Hugh plays a doctor, a conquistador, and apparently THX 1138 (awesome movie). Sounds pretty trippy, right? Well, guess what, it's not. What a self-important piece of shit this turned out to be. Honestly, I've never had an hour and a half feel longer.

Oh, Look at me, I'm such a bold actor cause I shave my head and look thoughtful.
What a phony

I just went through a message-board thread on IMDB talking about how this movie was one of the best movies of the past eight years. Excuse me, where's Gone in Sixty Seconds on that list? And how dare you leave out Matchstick Men.

But I can see how some people liked this movie. You know how? Because they're all pussies, just like Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman has to be a bitch about everything... That's why X-men 3 sucked shit... Wolverine was clearly a better role for me, Nick Cage. But no, the casting director told me that Wolverine's hair wouldn't be a good look for me.... Well guess what motherfucker, I have connections and I'm getting you fired... Clearly you never saw Con-air or Next.

If you name a look, Nick Cage can pull it off, baby

Go shit in your hat Hugh, you huge jackoff.

Adding it up: Stupid plot + decent score - (Huge Jackoff + pussies enjoying this movie) = 3.5 out of 8mm

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)

2008-03-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

(1995)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Katherine Heigl, some black guy, Kirkwood Smith
Director: Geoff Murphy
Synopsis: Steven Seagal murders terrorists

Nick's Insight: Let me start off by saying that I like Steven Seagal. We have a lot in common and I like to think of him as a less rich me. What do we have in common, you ask? Well, we both know how to kick the shit out of people.

Exhibit A:
Clearly, we both know submission-holds

Also, I've noticed that we have the same acting style. We both really make an effort to let the audience know that we're trying to act. That's a tough talent to learn, but it doesn't go unnoticed these days. To help me prove my point, go watch Capote with Phillip Seymour Hoffman.... You can't tell if he's acting. It's almost like he's really Truman Capote. It's hard to watch. Now watch Twister with Bill Paxton.... Clearly trying very hard to act. It's just a more courteous way of presenting a character to the audience. I mean, if I wanted to act and make it so believable that you got lost in the character, I totally could, but I decide not to for you the viewer. The one time that I wasn't trying to act was in Leaving Las Vegas.... This is just how I drive on the weekends.

Anyway, this movie kind of blows, but at the same time it's really fucking sweet. Just like most Seagal movies, there's about an hour-long lull at the beginning where they try to build "plot" and the rest of the movie is Steven Seagal on a killing spree.

One really sweet part of this movie is when a terrorist yells at Seagal's black sidekick, "I'll whoop your stupid black ass, bitch." Now I know that seems like blatant racism, but if there's one thing I like in action movies it's racism.

A fun game to play while watching this movie is to try and figure out if they're really on a train or not. Here's the answer if you want to know, but I suggest watching the movie and trying to figure out.

Adding it up: Sweet Death Scenes + World-class Acting = 4 out of 8mm.

Revision: I just saw this movie again, and I've decided to change it's rating to 5 out of 8mm

No Country for Old Men

2007-11-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

(2007)

Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem
Directors: Ethan & Joel Coen
Synopsis: Josh Brolin and his mustache find a gaggle of dead Mexicans with a briefcase filled with $2 million (chump change). He keeps the money, but a hitman (Javier Bardem) with the same haircut as a down-syndromed librarian is hot on his trails.

Cage's Insight: I’ll start by saying that this movie did happen to rock my cock for about two hours. Also, the Coen brothers continue to show that they’re some of the best writers out there today. They wrote one of my favorite movies in the Big Lebowski, and this new movie did not let me down.

The main character in this movie is played by Josh Brolin (Grindhouse, Into the Blue) who is pretty sweet, but I’m starting to suspect that he grows that mustache to hide a hair-lip or something else gross... Perhaps a herpes sore. If only Joaquin Phoenix would have tried this back in the day, maybe I wouldn’t have been puking between takes on the set of 8MM.

Long story short, Javier Bardem has a sweet shotgun with a silencer, and he uses it on just about everyone.

This leaves me with Tommy Lee Jones. Let me put this lightly, Tommy Lee Jones is a motherfucker. He stole my spot in the cast of Man of the House. That was going to be a goldmine for me. Instead of me feeling up every piece of pussy that auditioned for that movie, we get Tommy Lee doing boring shit like this:

He’s in a roomful of cheerleaders’ panties and he’s just standing there. I mean c'mon. If that had been me, the movie would have ended something like this:

Anyway, I must say that this was a really good movie, but I wouldn't even say that it was better than Con-Air.

Rating: 7 out of 8mm:

History in the Making

2007-11-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome, Nick Cage followers. It's me, THE Nicolas Cage.

I know, I know. This site is long past due. Fans have been coming up to me for years and telling me things like, "You were great in Con-Air!" or "You were okay in The Rock!" or "I just watched Guarding Tess on TBS! You owe me two hours of my life, Cage!". Normally I just give these die-hard fans a condescending smirk and have my bodyguard shoo them away with a cattle prod to the throat, but about a week ago a fan gave me a great idea. This fan drove past me, threw a coffee straight at my face (clearly a fan of me in The Weatherman), and yelled, "Hey Cage! You look like Gene Siskel after he got all dead and bloated." That's when it hit me. I should review movies!

A True Moment of Inspiration

Now, every critic has his own rating scale (i.e. 5 stars, two thumbs up, etc.), but I wanted something new, fresh, original, and, most importantly, pertaining to me. That's when I decided to weigh a movie's greatness using a scale of 0 to 8 millimeters. 8mm's means that a movie is as good as my 1999 movie 8MM (which is arguably the best movie of the 90's, if not ever), and 0mm's means that a movie is infinitely worse than my '99 snuff-blockbuster. However, if you think I'm doing this simply out of the goodness of my heart, you're wrong. As history will show, I'll do anything if the price is right.

Money in the Bank, Bitch!

Movie reviews will be coming soon. At this point, you may be wondering what I'm doing career-wise at the moment. Well, I'm currently filming roughly eight movies: G-Force, Electric God, Time Share, and.... uh, I forget the rest. Chances are if you string two cool sounding words together, you'll get the name of one of my new movies. Hmmm.... Is Cactus Inferno the name of a real movie? No!? Well it should be. Get me Micheal Bay on the phone, STAT!

I guess I could be coming off as a snob. I mean, c'mon, I'm Nick Cage. What do you expect? It's Hollywood, baby! I don't even bother reading the scripts anymore. Hell, I don't even read contracts, but if I see another 7-figure number go into my bank account, I'll sign anything. Ghostrider 2 for 16 million? Fuck yeah, Why not? Where do I sign for that bitch!? 16 million may seem high, but where else will you get acting like this? (In case you've been living under a rock, these are clips from my 2006 smash hit The Wicker Man about which one critic said "The plot is nonsensical but the cast (a.k.a. me!) and setting is worth a look")