1997Director: John Woo
Synopsis: Me and John Travolta switch faces and shoot at each other for 2 hours.
Nick's insight:
First off, let me apologize for not posting these past couple of weeks. I’ve been busy putting together my 12th annual charity benefit for mentally-challenged children with sleeping disorders.
(What can I say? I like to give back to those who enjoy my acting)
So, if you have any old waterbeds, shoot me an email. It doesn’t matter if they’re messed up or leaking… They’ll never notice.
I know that I've never reviewed one of my own movies before, but I felt that it was time. I also saw Jeremiah Johnson this weekend, but I don’t feel that it warrants an entire review, so I present to you the first 8mm movie-meter mini-movie-meter movie review. Jeremiah Johnson gets 5.5 out of 8mm.
If you’re into watching Robert Redford walk around in the woods for 2 hours, be my guest and rent this movie. Robert has tried to hang out with me before, but I personally don’t like being close to him. Not that he’s a bad guy or anything… It’s just because of that airborne hantavirus that he totes around on his face.
Sorry, Robbie. I don't hang with super-carriers.
Anyway, back to Face/Off. I haven't seen this movie since it premiered in '97, so I had forgotten what it was about. Travolta and I shoot guns at each other the entire movie, and we miss every fucking time. In real life, I just need one bullet to turn Travolta's fat head into floor-pizza. It's so big that it's pretty much impossible to miss... It's like a Kennedy head... too soon?
The action scenes in this movie were all ridiculously over-the-top. I would have to imagine that the pitch meeting went something like the part of this clip after 1:10.
While we were filming this movie, Travolta was always doing shit that weirded me out. I know that Travolta occasionally likes to kiss men (Evidence), but one time on the set of Face/Off, Travolta and Aaron Eckhart Thomas Jane kissed each other on the mouth. It was fucking gross, but then their unshaved butt-chins rubbed against each other and something strange happened. Suddenly, I saw the light of God. He spoke to me of the evil of my vices and how awesome Con-air was. I was so touched by His grace that I fell onto my knees and wept… However, being a devout Christian, which I had just become, I felt obligated to take a 2x4 and beat those queens to within an inch of their lives.
Rating:I feel bad about giving one of my own movies anything less than 8mm, but Face/Off lost some points because you can't transplant organs between two different blood-types (get your fucking Immunology right, John Woo). Also, it could have used a snuff film or two. I have to give it 7.9 out of 8mm.
