What Women Want (2000)

(2000)

Starring: Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt
Director: Nancy Meyers
Synopsis: After be electrocuted Mel Gibson gains the ability to hear what women are thinking.

Nick's Insight: This movie is unbelievable. Not in the complementary way... It's just flat out silly. first off, Mel Gibson is just shy of 83 years old and yet he gets eye-fucked by every big-titted 18-year-old in Chicago.

Line up ladies

Another thing I couldn't figure out about this movie is why would Mel Gibson mess around with Helen hunt when he was banging models before. I mean... Helen Hunt is just... so... awful...

Just awful

She has a forehead like James Woods.

Mel Gibson gets electrocuted three times in this movie and never even wakes up with a headache. He drops a hairdryer in a bathtub that he's standing in... of course he's fine though. nobody ever dies when that happens... Get real, Mel.

I hope Mel doesn't take any of this personally though. We're actually pretty good drinking buddies. We like to hang out, compare hairlines, and swap our views concerning the Jewish religion and our final solution. We also occasionally break out with a choreographed dance routine that is in no way gay as shit. However, the scat session afterwards certainly is.

you know... cause people actually do stuff like this when they're alone

Adding it up: Mel Gibson's anti-semitism + Helen Hunt terrible calves and ankles = 4 out of 8mm.

Blades of Glory (2007)

(2007)

Starring: Will Ferrell, Jon Heder
Director(s): Josh Gordon, Will Speck
Synopsis: Will Ferrell is a sports icon.... Get it? Tee Hee!

Nick's Insight: That's enough Will Ferrell. You were funny on SNL, but if you keep making pieces of shit like this, it's merely a matter of time before I hate you. We get it, you can improv and say stuff. I can improv too. Check this out... Uh... Jon Heder is a faggot. See? Hilarious.

What a terrible face this guy has. Oh, and Napoleon Dynamite blew shit. If you liked Napoleon Dynamite then I can guarantee that I will not like you or any of your ideas/opinions/stances on gay marriage.

I've actually watched this movie twice now. The first time I was high as balls and I still didn't find it funny. The second time I saw it, I tried to make a toe attachment for my shotgun.

die

If I had to pick one thing that makes this movie worth watching it would be Jenna Fischer's rockin' boobage.

Adding it Up: Jon Heder's stupid ass + Pam's sweet rack = 2 out of 8mm

I am Legend (2007)

(2007)

Starring: Just Will Smith, right? Think again.

Director: Francis Lawrence
Synopsis: A plague killed everyone on the planet except for Dr. Robert Neville (Will Smith)... Then he fights zombies.

Nick's Insight: I'm not going to ask why there were zombies in this movie, because they were bad-ass. I'm not going to poke fun at Will Smith, because we're both millionaire Hollywood actors (Plus, who's the one with the Oscar?). I'm not going to say many bad things about this movie because most remakes these days blow ass. The only thing that I couldn't figure out about this movie is when did Dr. Neville become black? He was beautifully hansome and white in the Omega Man. I mean, was becoming black a side-effect of being immune to the plague?... I think I'd rather take the plague.

The years were terrible to Dr. Neville

I respect Will Smith to a point. In 2002 Will Smith got in good enough shape to be believable as Muhammed Ali and everyone wanted to suck his dick and give him an Oscar. Seriously? Did no one see Ghostrider? Fuck Muhammed Ali, do you know how hard it is to get as ripped as a comic-book hero?


One thing I never knew about Will Smith is that when he was a young child he saw the movie mannequin and was so terrified that now he does things like this when he sees a mannequin:

That was actually filmed during the lunch break. He had no idea any cameras were on. Get that man some psychiatric care.

The most emotional scene in the movie is when Will Smith has to kill his only friend, his dog, by choking it out when it gets the plague. I get that it's sad and all, but strangling a dog is so easy... try choking out a travolta.

We filmed this scene in only one take and I had to be tasered until I let go.
Travolta still has a restraining order on me.

Adding it up: Will Smith + Dog Killing + Sweet Zombies - Attempt at a Tearjerker = 6 out of 8mm.

The Fountain (2006)

(2006)

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Synopsis: The movie is centered around three parallel stories spanning over a thousand years. Luckily each story stars Huge Jackoff.

Nick's Insight: I watched this movie. I mean, I really watched this movie, and I honestly have no idea what it was about. Some stuff happens and Hugh Jackman is a pussy... That's about it. Hugh's wife is dying, but she's also the queen of Spain during the inquizition. Hugh plays a doctor, a conquistador, and apparently THX 1138 (awesome movie). Sounds pretty trippy, right? Well, guess what, it's not. What a self-important piece of shit this turned out to be. Honestly, I've never had an hour and a half feel longer.

Oh, Look at me, I'm such a bold actor cause I shave my head and look thoughtful.
What a phony

I just went through a message-board thread on IMDB talking about how this movie was one of the best movies of the past eight years. Excuse me, where's Gone in Sixty Seconds on that list? And how dare you leave out Matchstick Men.

But I can see how some people liked this movie. You know how? Because they're all pussies, just like Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman has to be a bitch about everything... That's why X-men 3 sucked shit... Wolverine was clearly a better role for me, Nick Cage. But no, the casting director told me that Wolverine's hair wouldn't be a good look for me.... Well guess what motherfucker, I have connections and I'm getting you fired... Clearly you never saw Con-air or Next.

If you name a look, Nick Cage can pull it off, baby

Go shit in your hat Hugh, you huge jackoff.

Adding it up: Stupid plot + decent score - (Huge Jackoff + pussies enjoying this movie) = 3.5 out of 8mm

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)

(1995)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Katherine Heigl, some black guy, Kirkwood Smith
Director: Geoff Murphy
Synopsis: Steven Seagal murders terrorists

Nick's Insight: Let me start off by saying that I like Steven Seagal. We have a lot in common and I like to think of him as a less rich me. What do we have in common, you ask? Well, we both know how to kick the shit out of people.

Exhibit A:
Clearly, we both know submission-holds

Also, I've noticed that we have the same acting style. We both really make an effort to let the audience know that we're trying to act. That's a tough talent to learn, but it doesn't go unnoticed these days. To help me prove my point, go watch Capote with Phillip Seymour Hoffman.... You can't tell if he's acting. It's almost like he's really Truman Capote. It's hard to watch. Now watch Twister with Bill Paxton.... Clearly trying very hard to act. It's just a more courteous way of presenting a character to the audience. I mean, if I wanted to act and make it so believable that you got lost in the character, I totally could, but I decide not to for you the viewer. The one time that I wasn't trying to act was in Leaving Las Vegas.... This is just how I drive on the weekends.

Anyway, this movie kind of blows, but at the same time it's really fucking sweet. Just like most Seagal movies, there's about an hour-long lull at the beginning where they try to build "plot" and the rest of the movie is Steven Seagal on a killing spree.

One really sweet part of this movie is when a terrorist yells at Seagal's black sidekick, "I'll whoop your stupid black ass, bitch." Now I know that seems like blatant racism, but if there's one thing I like in action movies it's racism.

A fun game to play while watching this movie is to try and figure out if they're really on a train or not. Here's the answer if you want to know, but I suggest watching the movie and trying to figure out.

Adding it up: Sweet Death Scenes + World-class Acting = 4 out of 8mm.

Revision: I just saw this movie again, and I've decided to change it's rating to 5 out of 8mm