All the Right Moves (1983)

(1983)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Craig T. Nelson, Lea Thompson
Director: Michael Chapman
Synopsis: Tom Cruise's last chance for a bright future is a college football scholarship, but his coach is standing in his way.

Nick's Insight:
Like the rest of the country, I went to the Batman: the Dark Knight this weekend. I had already seen it once at the LA premier, but out of respect for Heath Ledger's memory, I went incognito since I didn't want to cause a scene. Here's a picture of me waiting in line for tickets:

The morning after seeing Batman for the second time, I ran into Thomas Jane Aaron Eckhart and told him how much I liked his the Dark Knight. I also asked him how it feels to make like a billion fucking dollars with one movie. His butt chin responded with,

He then placed his index finger over his dimple and whispered, "shhhh, shhh, not in public.... you know that."

Anyway, everyone knows that the Dark Knight is good, so I'm not going to review it. Instead, I'm going to tell you about All the Right Moves. Tom Cruise plays a 4'11'' high school cornerback who probably weighs around 120 lbs. He gets kicked off of the team after standing up to his coach (Craig T. Nelson) and begins to realize that his hopes of getting a college scholarship and leaving his hometown are waning.

It's a pretty good movie, but I had trouble paying attention since I spent the whole movie trying to accumulate proof to help support a theory I have about Tom Cruise. I believe that Tom Cruise is a genetic phenomenon. I've discovered that Tom Cruise does, in fact, have one tooth directly in the middle of his face.

Exhibit A:

I believe that Tom Cruise may be the only man to have out grown Hydrocephalus. This could be one of the greatest scientific finds of the new century. Also, his wife is equally important because, according to Batman Begins, she has a rare genetic disorder that gave her 4 nipples.

Exhibit B

From my calculations, they are capable of having 4 children at one time with a gestation period half that of a normal human. They should grow up to look something like this...

In only a few years, they could have an entire army. Save us, Lord Zenu.
(Blessings and praise be upon his name)

Anyway, All the Right Moves is actually a really good sports movie. You get to see Marty McFly's mom's boobies, an 18-year-old Chris Penn, and you get to see Craig T. Nelson really put the nail in his typecast-coffin. Also, coach gives one of the best pre-game speeches in cinematic history... the part right after 2:00 really gets me pumped up.

Don't sugar-coat it, coach

Adding it up: Chris Penn + Lorraine Mcfly's adorable rack + a perfect 80's soundtrack + inspirational speeches = 6 out of 8mm

Alien (1979)

(1979)

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Ian Holm
Director: Ridley Scott
Synopsis: A mining spaceship unknowingly picks up an opportunistic alien species that wants to hitch a ride to Earth.

Nick's Insight:

Last night I invited my buddy Phillip Seymour Hoffman over to watch Alien. We've been talking for a while about having a movie-night where we get wine-drunk and use our oscars to eat fondu, and it finally happened last night.

Alien was an incredible movie. Everything about it is awesome. I mean Everything! Well.... maybe not everything...Sigourney Weaver apparently has the worst ass since humans evolved buttholes. That ass has the sexual appeal of a beheading video. She must make awful poopers. put on some pants, you dude.

Anyway, this movie is sweet in every way. Every other movie in the Alien franchise is somewhat dumbed down, but this movie has everything that a well-rounded movie should have. I personally consider it a distant 2nd behind 2001: A Space Odyssey for the best sci-fi movie of all time.

You watch this movie and you can't help but love that alien. It bleeds acid and doesn't need eyes. Plus, guess what's in his mouth... Another fucking mouth. That's hard as fuck, son. Predator can go shit in his hat.

You said it, Jesse

Since it was a scary movie, I was pretty nervous about watching it with Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He's ridiculously fat and out of shape and I think he would have a heart-attack if he had to tie his own shoes. I mean, his blood has to look like oatmeal and I didn't want a repeat of when I gave George C. Scott a heart-attack by showing him 2 girls 1 cup.

That guy could never take a joke.

After the movie, Phillip and I were sitting around talking about the movie's tag-line: "In space no one can hear you scream." Phillip didn't understand what that meant because he's a fucking idiot who doesn't understand the physics of outer space. I berated him for about half an hour after that. The whole time he just sat there crying and eating a whole loaf of bread. He was such a bitch about it. He was all like...

It's healthy that you're finally coming to terms with it

Adding it up: Scary alien + Ian Holm bleeding milk + flamethrower - Sigourney Weaver's ass= 7.5 out of 8mm.

Wall-E (2008)

(2008)

Starring: Jeff Garlin, Fred Willard, Sigourney Weaver
Director: Andrew Stanton
Synopsis: After 700 years of living on a spaceship, the human race's only chance of returning to a pollution stricken Earth lies in the hands of a robot who wants some ass.

Nick's Insight:
Happy America's birthday to all!

The 4th of July is easily my favorite holiday. It renews my pride in my beloved country, gives me the opportunity to tell off a few of my family members, and I get the rare chance to play my favorite drinking game, roadblock slalom. I normally tie on a nice overnight drunk, commit manslaughter, and wind up breaking into my lawyer's office and hiding under his desk until he gets to work the next morning. However, today was a little different.

I started my day by going by my dealer's apartment so I could get some drugs before I went to see Wall-E with my old pal Jeff Goldblum. For years we've been going to movies together and gauging who's more famous by seeing who gets recognized more. He normally wins, but, then again, he's a 6'6'' freak that looks and acts like a cartoon character. What can I do? I'm only 6 feet tall. Anyway, I bought 5 grams of brown-brown so I could properly celebrate the Fourth. I know that I just said I normally get drunk on the Fourth, but the last time I got drunk with Jeff Goldblum, he got so drunk that he puked all over one of my body guards.

What a lush

During the movie, Jeff put his weiner through a hole in the popcorn bucket. I didn't know what to say, so I just ate around it. He's always doing weird shit like that. Anyway, It was the first time I had eaten popcorn with egg whites drizzled all over it. It was good, but it tasted kinda like bleach.

The movie was pretty good. Everyone's saying how awesome it is, but it's pretty good... That's all. It was very well done and the plot itself was pretty interesting, but they lost some points by trying to make an environmental statement. Also, I was let down that there weren't any aliens in this movie. If there's one thing that I'm good at, it's dealing with aliens.

Like most problems in this world, it can be solved with line-dancing and Pachinko.

On our way out of the theater, an old lady gave us a tongue-lashing because, allegedly, we were snorting loudly and yelling racial slurs at the children in the seats in front of us. Well, needless to say, Jeff took care of her.

I enjoyed this movie thoroughly, but it's absolutely ridiculous that it is the 14th highest rated movie on IMDB. Wall-E is not better than Raiders of the Lost Ark, and It's certainly not better than Goodfellas. Get real, movie-goers.

Adding it up: Sweet animation - Attempted romantic relationship between two robots + Jeff Garlin= 5.5 out of 8mm