No Country for Old Men

(2007)

Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem
Directors: Ethan & Joel Coen
Synopsis: Josh Brolin and his mustache find a gaggle of dead Mexicans with a briefcase filled with $2 million (chump change). He keeps the money, but a hitman (Javier Bardem) with the same haircut as a down-syndromed librarian is hot on his trails.

Cage's Insight: I’ll start by saying that this movie did happen to rock my cock for about two hours. Also, the Coen brothers continue to show that they’re some of the best writers out there today. They wrote one of my favorite movies in the Big Lebowski, and this new movie did not let me down.

The main character in this movie is played by Josh Brolin (Grindhouse, Into the Blue) who is pretty sweet, but I’m starting to suspect that he grows that mustache to hide a hair-lip or something else gross... Perhaps a herpes sore. If only Joaquin Phoenix would have tried this back in the day, maybe I wouldn’t have been puking between takes on the set of 8MM.

Long story short, Javier Bardem has a sweet shotgun with a silencer, and he uses it on just about everyone.

This leaves me with Tommy Lee Jones. Let me put this lightly, Tommy Lee Jones is a motherfucker. He stole my spot in the cast of Man of the House. That was going to be a goldmine for me. Instead of me feeling up every piece of pussy that auditioned for that movie, we get Tommy Lee doing boring shit like this:

He’s in a roomful of cheerleaders’ panties and he’s just standing there. I mean c'mon. If that had been me, the movie would have ended something like this:

Anyway, I must say that this was a really good movie, but I wouldn't even say that it was better than Con-Air.

Rating: 7 out of 8mm:

History in the Making

Welcome, Nick Cage followers. It's me, THE Nicolas Cage.

I know, I know. This site is long past due. Fans have been coming up to me for years and telling me things like, "You were great in Con-Air!" or "You were okay in The Rock!" or "I just watched Guarding Tess on TBS! You owe me two hours of my life, Cage!". Normally I just give these die-hard fans a condescending smirk and have my bodyguard shoo them away with a cattle prod to the throat, but about a week ago a fan gave me a great idea. This fan drove past me, threw a coffee straight at my face (clearly a fan of me in The Weatherman), and yelled, "Hey Cage! You look like Gene Siskel after he got all dead and bloated." That's when it hit me. I should review movies!

A True Moment of Inspiration

Now, every critic has his own rating scale (i.e. 5 stars, two thumbs up, etc.), but I wanted something new, fresh, original, and, most importantly, pertaining to me. That's when I decided to weigh a movie's greatness using a scale of 0 to 8 millimeters. 8mm's means that a movie is as good as my 1999 movie 8MM (which is arguably the best movie of the 90's, if not ever), and 0mm's means that a movie is infinitely worse than my '99 snuff-blockbuster. However, if you think I'm doing this simply out of the goodness of my heart, you're wrong. As history will show, I'll do anything if the price is right.

Money in the Bank, Bitch!

Movie reviews will be coming soon. At this point, you may be wondering what I'm doing career-wise at the moment. Well, I'm currently filming roughly eight movies: G-Force, Electric God, Time Share, and.... uh, I forget the rest. Chances are if you string two cool sounding words together, you'll get the name of one of my new movies. Hmmm.... Is Cactus Inferno the name of a real movie? No!? Well it should be. Get me Micheal Bay on the phone, STAT!

I guess I could be coming off as a snob. I mean, c'mon, I'm Nick Cage. What do you expect? It's Hollywood, baby! I don't even bother reading the scripts anymore. Hell, I don't even read contracts, but if I see another 7-figure number go into my bank account, I'll sign anything. Ghostrider 2 for 16 million? Fuck yeah, Why not? Where do I sign for that bitch!? 16 million may seem high, but where else will you get acting like this? (In case you've been living under a rock, these are clips from my 2006 smash hit The Wicker Man about which one critic said "The plot is nonsensical but the cast (a.k.a. me!) and setting is worth a look")