a 1 act play about Iron Man 2

I recently read that Terrance Howard isn't going to be in the next Iron Man movie to play this guy.They replaced him with Don Cheadle and here is how I think that business meeting probably went


2 big-shot movie executives sit in a large office talking. Mr. Smith and Bob are their names. The phone on the desk makes a beep and a voice is heard. It's his secretary.

-Secretary: Uh, Mr. Smith.

Mr. Smith presses a button on the phone

-Mr. Smith: Yeah, what is it? (he releases the button) ya dumb broad.

The two men giggle

-Secretary: I just got off the phone with Terrance Howard's agent. He says he won't do Iron Man 2.

The two men quickly sit forward in their chairs and look at each other.

-Mr. Smith: What the fuck! That's fucking bullshit. Goddamn it! Fuck!

-Bob: Holy Shit! We're fucked. What the fuck are we going to do!?

-Mr. Smith: Well we might as well suck each other off and then blow our fucking brains out, because we. are. fucked!

-Bob: No! NO! We're not going down for that asshole. You know what we need to do?

The men make eye contact and smile ear to ear. The men simultaneously say, "Find a new black actor!". They high-five.

-Mr. Smith: Of course! It's so easy!

-Bob: Well, who can we get?

-Mr. Smith: Hmm, let me think... (he presses the button on his phone) Mary, see what... uh... what's Denzel Washington doing?

The men wait... the phone beeps

-Mary: He's filming Deja Vu 2. It's supposedly a huge piece of shit.

-Mr. Smith: Fuck! goddamn it.... uh.... what about Sameul L. Jackson?

-Bob: No way. That guy's like a hundred years old. He's old as fuck.

-Mr. Smith: He's not that o-

-Bob: As fuck, dude

-Mr. Smith: Christ... What about the guy from Blood Diamond? Digimon or something like that.

-Bob: Yeah.... Wait... does he speak English?

-Mr. Smith: I think so.... Actually, I'm not sure.... Lets try him anyway..(He presses the button again). Mary, call.... uuuuuuuuuhhhhh... I guess call the Congo. Yeah, can you call the Congo or one of those other countries and see if the guy from Blood Diamond is hanging out somewhere around there

Mary: Leonardo Dicaprio?

Mr. Smith: No! Not Leonardo Difuckingcaprio. The black guy, you dipshit.

Mary: Oh, he's busy filming the new Spike Lee movie.

Both men spend around 2o seconds yelling words like "fuck" and "shit" while occassionally making sexist comments about Mary and her tits. They calm down and grow quiet. The phone beeps.

-Mary: Sir, may I suggest Don Cheadle.

-Bob: ...Who is Don Cheadle?

-Mr. Smith: He's the guy from that Hotel movie

-Mary: Hotel Rwanda

-Mr. Smith: No! Hotel for fucking Dogs! You best get your fucking shit straight before I polish my knuckles with your fucking incisors.

-Bob: I still don't know who you're talking about. Who's Don Cheadle?

Mr. Smith sighs and begins typing on his computer's keyboard for a few seconds. He pulls up a picture of Don Cheadle and turns the monitor towards Bob. Bob looks confused.

-Bob: Hmmph. I thought that was Terrance Howard...

The Aviator (2004)

(2004)

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Blanchett, Alec Baldwin
Director: Martin Scorcese
Synopsis: A look at a portion of Howard Hughes' life

Nick's Insight: So if you haven't heard (you shouldn't have heard) my son has a sweet new band called Eyes of Noctum. Earlier today I was perusing their myspace page and noticed that, unbeknowst to me, my son changed his goddamn name from Weston Cage to simply "Arcane". What the Fuck! Granted, Arcane is more badass than Weston Cage, but not by very much. Plus, only total bitches change their name to make it sound cooler.

If only he had gone to law school like his daddy wanted...

Anyway, I guess I have to review a fucking movie now. I watched the Aviator and it was really good. Certain people have compared Leonardo Dicaprio to myself for years now, and while I do see similarities in our appearances, I just don't see it on the screen.

I'm constantly hearing about how good he is at acting, but he just doesn't do it for me. Sure, he played a good retard in that Gilbert Grape pile of shit, but what else has he been in. Nothing big, I'm sure.

Plus, how can you even pay attention to any of his movies when you spend the whole time swimming in his eyes. I could eat his peach for hours.

No matter how young, how attractive, and how talented he is, I still believe that I'll win an Oscar before he does... Oh, What's that? BLAM, Motherfucker!

Suck it, Pussy

So, Leo Dio plays Howard Hughes, a rich eccentric with several mental disorders, including OCD and some phobias. Martin Scorcese of course did an incredible job of portraying the real Howard Hughes and was extremely detailed in his account of Hughes' life. Here's an example of his hilarious OCD. He also knows how to spell quarantine. I suggest skipping to the 1:00 mark of this clip.

If you didn't notice from that clip, Howard Hughes' head engineer is Luis Carruthers, the biggest doofus in the business.

That engineer is a tumbling, tumbling dickweed

I really respect this movie for showing just how batshit crazy Howard Hughes was in real life. Although I really would have enjoyed seeing him in his later life when he lived in a Las Vegas penthouse and wore kleenex boxes on his feet. I also wish that more people had come in with the milk. come with the milk.

There's one scene in this movie where a plane crashes so awesomely that it makes that plane crash from Cast Away look like old, old diarrhea in Tom Hanks' toilet.

The climax of the movie comes when Hughes is accused of not producing military airplanes that the government had funded during World War 2. This is just fine with me. I've never believed in any type of heavy-machinery in wars. All I need is my rifle and Stabby, my trusty bayonet.

*dictated but not read

Adding it Up: Hilarious Mental Disorders + Sweeter Plane Crash + Coming in with the milk = 7.2 out of 8mm

Cast Away (2000)

(2001)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Helen Hunt
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Synopsis: Tom Hanks is on an island

Nick's Insight: Surprise, Surprise. That no-talent cleft-palette is back at it. Apparently Joaquin Pheonix has quit acting and, fingers crossed, will soon be doing his best Eazy-E impression by taking an AIDS dirt-nap. Look at this bag of shit rapping:

The video is kind of grainy, so you can't see the intricacies of this douche's beard. Listen, we all know why he grew a beard, but not even a big, bushy beard can hide his hair-lip.

I guess you should try a comb-over.

Other than laughing at Jaoquin's dumb ass, I recently won my fantasy football league... No fucking thanks to Andre Johnson. I almost lost in the semi-finals because that Soloman Vandy looking mother fucker couldn't catch a goddamn ball. I guarantee you that motherfucker would have had a career game if Matt Schaub had been throwing blood diamonds at him.

He would have stiff-armed four or five African guerillas and then celebrated by spiking his blood diamond and snorting a rail of brown-brown.


So anyway, I watched Cast Away this weekend. We've all seen this movie. Tom Hanks is in an airplane crash and then goes to an island for a while. He has to do shit to survive and the whole time he misses his wife.... But get this, his wife is Helen Hunt... Weird right!? Who would ever miss Helen Hunt. I mean c'mon.

Just Terrible

Remember in Face/Off when I said I could eat a peach for hours, but I was actually talking about pussy? Well this peach has gone bad. In fact, this peach makes me want to swear off all peaches and switch over to dicks... i mean bananas

I was watching this movie and I couldn't help but think that I had seen it before. Then it hit me, Cast Away is exactly like my movie the Rock. He's trying to get off an island, I'm trying to get hostages off Alcatraz. He's got a volleyball, I stab a needle into my heart. See!? Same fucking movie! Except for the fact that Cast Away is not as good and it doesn't have me yelling "butthole" in it.

Do you want an acting tip from THE Nicolas Cage? Here you go: if a script calls for you to use the word "butt-hole" or any type of "hole", you fucking swing for the goddamn fences. If you do that you may one day be as famous as me... Also, be sure to blink a lot.

So Tom Hanks is on this island and then he gets off that island... That's about it. At one point he loses his volleyball and cries about it like a total fucking peach.

Adding it up: Sweet plane crash + Huge beard - no cannibals = 6.2 out of 8mm