The Happening (2008)

2008

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, John Leguizamo
Director: M. Night Shamyanalaannannnnanan
Synopsis: A neurotoxin is mysteriously released in the north-east US and, guess what, Mark Wahlberg is there.

Nick's Insight:
After making the bad choice of going on an all Volcano Taco diet last week, I got some time to lay around, rub ointment on my balloon-knot, and catch up on some NFL football.

So, Here's Nick's NFL Corner: You may be asking yourself, "well, what does Nicolas Cage know about football?" Well, suck my balls. I know plenty. I love football so much that I even tried out for the part of Willy Beaman in Any Given Sunday. I didn't get the part, however, because they said my feet weren't quick enough and my butt wasn't high enough.

Anyway, my prediction for this week is that Braylon Edwards will fall even deeper into his self-pity induced depression and possibly quit football by the end of the season... maybe even kill himself. I also predict that Tony Kornheiser will be a fucking douchebag and half of the viewing audience will say something like, "I never thought I'd miss Dennis Miller, but..."

You're fucking up my fantasy line-up, Broseph

Back to the Happening, or should I say back to a stilted piece of dogshit that I was, yet again, tricked into watching due to the fact that the brown director made the Sixth Sense. I'm not sure if it was bad acting or bad writing that ruined this movie, but since I like Mark Wahlberg, I'm going to assume that the blame falls on the 8th grader that wrote the dialogue in this movie. Sure, the death scenes were sweet and all, but that doesn't make up for the other 60 minutes of ill-constructed plot and other vapid doo-doo. And, besides, if you're looking for sweet death scenes, look no further than Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive.

In this movie Mark Wahlberg plays a high school science teacher who winds up leading a small group of people away from a mysterious happening... That's right, that's where the name comes from. It should have just been named "That thing... you know, that happened".

At one point Wahlberg mentions how bee populations are dwindling, which is just fine with me. The last time I was around bees they were all in my eyes and stuff...

And I don't know who put Mark in charge... The whole movie he only had one thing in mind.

This movie also tried to sneak in an environmental statement, which is one thing I fucking haaaaate.

Adding it up: Getting bamboozled by M. Night yet again + Dirk Diggler's dong - Awful dialogue + Guy getting run over by lawnmower= 3.5 out of 8mm.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

1994

Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp
Director: Wes Craven
Synopsis: In a fictional world where the Nightmare on Elm Street series is popular (LOLz), Freddy comes to life to kill those involved in the making of the newest sequel.

Nick's insight: I recently had to put my movie reviews on hold for a number of reasons. First, I had to go on a whirlwind PR tour for my recent blockbuster Bangkok Dangerous, which I'm sure dozens of you saw and handfuls of you loved. What really matters is I made millions of dollars and you didn't.

Also, I've been on an all soylent-green diet and a hardcore work out schedule to get in good enough shape for my next movie, Kick-Ass (that seriously is the name of my next movie. I know, baaadaaaass, right?).

Hard as fuck, son

Well, New Nightmare follows the regular template of the movies in the Elm St series. Freddy fucks around with the main character for like an hour, no one believes him/her, Freddy kills all of the non-believers and gets killed himself by the afore mentioned main character. Did I ruin it for you? Awww, my bad. Well, I actually just ruined every horror movie for you, but they're still awesome.

One thing I've always loved about Freddy Kruger is his back story. He originally lived on Elm St. where he touched killed children. He got caught diddling murdering a young lads pants and the town locals burned his house down with him in it. In response he haunts the dreams of the town's children.


I was once haunted by Freddy Kruger while I was filming Snake Eyes. I was scared shitless and never wanted to sleep again, so I called up Gary Sinese and bought as much crystal meth as I could afford at the time (Which was a lot after the previous year. 1997 was good to me. Con-Air AND Face/Off, Bitch!). I didn't sleep for 3 weeks, and I guess Freddy just gave up. Either that or he got grossed out when I took my first shit in 3 weeks and I came at the same time. I threw the contents of my toilet into the freezer because I knew that it was important, and I was right. I had enough poopers to make moustaches for the entire shooting of World Trade Center.

Only gentlemen wear moustaches made of shittys

One sweet part of this movie was when Freddy drags a babysitter to the ceiling and stabs her to death with his claws. It was a screamfest for sure, but no one knows cinematic screams like the bad guy from Dirty Harry.

I also know how Freddy Kruger loves to murder children, but, again, this movie should take a page out of the the bad guy from Dirty Harry's playbook.

There's nothing like hearing that song sung through tears.

Anyway, this movie's heart was in the right place, but they tried way too hard. Oh, and Wes Craven bent over backwards to get himself a scene in this movie... which sucked

Adding it up: TypeCast Awesome Robert Englund + most of the original cast - No Johnny Depp Death Scene - Wes Craven's shitty acting = 5 out of 8mm