Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber... (2008)

(2008)

Starring: Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman, Helen Bonham Carter
Director: Tim Burton
Synopsis: A Barber returns to queer-off and exact revenge after being incarcerated and losing his wife and daughter.

Nick's Insight: Hold on. Let me get this right. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp made a fucking movie? Get the fuck outta here! I wonder if it'll be all dark and stuff! OH! and hopefully everyone will be all pale so their teeth look like Steve Buschemi's

Yay, I was right. This is so awesome, new, and fresh...

You look like you would enjoy Eyes of Noctum

But in all seriousness, They have made a bunch of movies together and they're currently working on more. After all, it's hard for them to make movies without each other since they are perpetually docking one another. Could you imagine casting someone else with Johnny Depp's fleshy turtle-neck on your helmet? Don't get me wrong, Depp's cool and all, but branch out, Tim. There's plenty of other actors out there dying to dock you, bro. *coughmecoughcough*

On to Sweeney Todd. You know what you do if you need to turn an hour long movie into a 2 hour one... Make it a musical! That way you can really grind shit to a halt and drag out the story-line and make me stop watching half way through. Yes I know, I'm reviewing a movie I didn't finish, but I noticed that my maid wasn't sterilizing my hats the way I like, so I had to yell at her for a while in a language she doesn't understand.

Here's an example of this movie taking forever... No need to watch the whole thing.

No shit, that's a 5 minute clip about a straight-razor that I could've trimmed down to 1 line without breaking a sweat.

Okay, 2 lines.

Plus the music was barely listenable. It was all choppy and most of it never sounded quite right. I understand that this is inevitable when incorporating plot into songs, but I still prefer songs that I can tap my foot to... or at least Sieg Heil to.

Alan Rickman was the antagonist in this movie and I really enjoy his work. I really am a fan... It just sucks that the best scene he ever filmed ended in the parking lot of Nakatomi Plaza. I can only hope that he landed on a fat, black police officer and made Carl-Winslow-pizza.

I've come to the realization that I already didn't like this movie before I watched it because I had to listen to people say how great it was, but I still think the first half was bad. However, since I didn't finish it, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

Adding It Up: Tim Burton schtick - 1/2 of the music is miserable + Hans Gruber + Sweet death scenes= ? out of 8mm

Tenebre (1982)

(1982)

Starring: Anthony Franciosa, Daria Nicolodi
Director: Dario Argento
Synopsis: Murders surround an author on a publicity tour in Rome for his latest book, "Tenebre".

Nick's Insight: Well I spent a pretty shitty Halloween at the record release party for my son's super awesome new band, Eyes of Noctum ... Just kidding, they totally fucking blow. Didn't you see their name? It's amazing that the venue wasn't completely fucking empty with a name like "Eyes of Noctum". Plus, everyone knows who has the musical talent in the family.

My therapist says that I didn't pay my son enough attention when he was growing up, but what would make anyone think he wants attention...

Of course the music sucked shit, so I spent most of the concert sitting in a bathroom stall. It was pretty uneventful until someone stuck their weiner through a hole in the partition. I ran out and was all like, "What the fuck, bro! What the fuck, bro!" and it was that goddamn Jeff Goldblum. He turned all red and stuttered and bulged his eyes out and shit. It was pretty awkward until he busted out some brown-brown and we harassed fat heavy metal chicks going to the bathroom.

Other than that, the only other thing I did this weekend was watch Tenebre. This movie was pretty sweet. The only problem I really had with it was that the dubbing was all messed up. That and Daria Nicolodi's fucked up grill.

Have you been snowballing red-wine with Steve Buscemi again?

Tenebre had a whole bunch of titties and stabbings, but the thing that really caught my eye was this bad ass fucking dog.

I haven't seen a dog rock the shit that hard since Man's Best Friend climbed a tree and downed a cat like a fucking anaconda.

Here's my favorite death scene of the movie. This girl gets her shit rocked and then does some abstract art on her wall..

And this guy... I wouldn't worry about this little guy

Adding it up: Sweet music + Hardcore dog - Poor dental hygiene + blood spray + Plus plenty of Scatman Crothers from the Shining Impressions= 5.8 out of 8mm