Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

1994

Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp
Director: Wes Craven
Synopsis: In a fictional world where the Nightmare on Elm Street series is popular (LOLz), Freddy comes to life to kill those involved in the making of the newest sequel.

Nick's insight: I recently had to put my movie reviews on hold for a number of reasons. First, I had to go on a whirlwind PR tour for my recent blockbuster Bangkok Dangerous, which I'm sure dozens of you saw and handfuls of you loved. What really matters is I made millions of dollars and you didn't.

Also, I've been on an all soylent-green diet and a hardcore work out schedule to get in good enough shape for my next movie, Kick-Ass (that seriously is the name of my next movie. I know, baaadaaaass, right?).

Hard as fuck, son

Well, New Nightmare follows the regular template of the movies in the Elm St series. Freddy fucks around with the main character for like an hour, no one believes him/her, Freddy kills all of the non-believers and gets killed himself by the afore mentioned main character. Did I ruin it for you? Awww, my bad. Well, I actually just ruined every horror movie for you, but they're still awesome.

One thing I've always loved about Freddy Kruger is his back story. He originally lived on Elm St. where he touched killed children. He got caught diddling murdering a young lads pants and the town locals burned his house down with him in it. In response he haunts the dreams of the town's children.


I was once haunted by Freddy Kruger while I was filming Snake Eyes. I was scared shitless and never wanted to sleep again, so I called up Gary Sinese and bought as much crystal meth as I could afford at the time (Which was a lot after the previous year. 1997 was good to me. Con-Air AND Face/Off, Bitch!). I didn't sleep for 3 weeks, and I guess Freddy just gave up. Either that or he got grossed out when I took my first shit in 3 weeks and I came at the same time. I threw the contents of my toilet into the freezer because I knew that it was important, and I was right. I had enough poopers to make moustaches for the entire shooting of World Trade Center.

Only gentlemen wear moustaches made of shittys

One sweet part of this movie was when Freddy drags a babysitter to the ceiling and stabs her to death with his claws. It was a screamfest for sure, but no one knows cinematic screams like the bad guy from Dirty Harry.

I also know how Freddy Kruger loves to murder children, but, again, this movie should take a page out of the the bad guy from Dirty Harry's playbook.

There's nothing like hearing that song sung through tears.

Anyway, this movie's heart was in the right place, but they tried way too hard. Oh, and Wes Craven bent over backwards to get himself a scene in this movie... which sucked

Adding it up: TypeCast Awesome Robert Englund + most of the original cast - No Johnny Depp Death Scene - Wes Craven's shitty acting = 5 out of 8mm