Tenebre (1982)

(1982)

Starring: Anthony Franciosa, Daria Nicolodi
Director: Dario Argento
Synopsis: Murders surround an author on a publicity tour in Rome for his latest book, "Tenebre".

Nick's Insight: Well I spent a pretty shitty Halloween at the record release party for my son's super awesome new band, Eyes of Noctum ... Just kidding, they totally fucking blow. Didn't you see their name? It's amazing that the venue wasn't completely fucking empty with a name like "Eyes of Noctum". Plus, everyone knows who has the musical talent in the family.

My therapist says that I didn't pay my son enough attention when he was growing up, but what would make anyone think he wants attention...

Of course the music sucked shit, so I spent most of the concert sitting in a bathroom stall. It was pretty uneventful until someone stuck their weiner through a hole in the partition. I ran out and was all like, "What the fuck, bro! What the fuck, bro!" and it was that goddamn Jeff Goldblum. He turned all red and stuttered and bulged his eyes out and shit. It was pretty awkward until he busted out some brown-brown and we harassed fat heavy metal chicks going to the bathroom.

Other than that, the only other thing I did this weekend was watch Tenebre. This movie was pretty sweet. The only problem I really had with it was that the dubbing was all messed up. That and Daria Nicolodi's fucked up grill.

Have you been snowballing red-wine with Steve Buscemi again?

Tenebre had a whole bunch of titties and stabbings, but the thing that really caught my eye was this bad ass fucking dog.

I haven't seen a dog rock the shit that hard since Man's Best Friend climbed a tree and downed a cat like a fucking anaconda.

Here's my favorite death scene of the movie. This girl gets her shit rocked and then does some abstract art on her wall..

And this guy... I wouldn't worry about this little guy

Adding it up: Sweet music + Hardcore dog - Poor dental hygiene + blood spray + Plus plenty of Scatman Crothers from the Shining Impressions= 5.8 out of 8mm