All the Right Moves (1983)

(1983)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Craig T. Nelson, Lea Thompson
Director: Michael Chapman
Synopsis: Tom Cruise's last chance for a bright future is a college football scholarship, but his coach is standing in his way.

Nick's Insight:
Like the rest of the country, I went to the Batman: the Dark Knight this weekend. I had already seen it once at the LA premier, but out of respect for Heath Ledger's memory, I went incognito since I didn't want to cause a scene. Here's a picture of me waiting in line for tickets:

The morning after seeing Batman for the second time, I ran into Thomas Jane Aaron Eckhart and told him how much I liked his the Dark Knight. I also asked him how it feels to make like a billion fucking dollars with one movie. His butt chin responded with,

He then placed his index finger over his dimple and whispered, "shhhh, shhh, not in public.... you know that."

Anyway, everyone knows that the Dark Knight is good, so I'm not going to review it. Instead, I'm going to tell you about All the Right Moves. Tom Cruise plays a 4'11'' high school cornerback who probably weighs around 120 lbs. He gets kicked off of the team after standing up to his coach (Craig T. Nelson) and begins to realize that his hopes of getting a college scholarship and leaving his hometown are waning.

It's a pretty good movie, but I had trouble paying attention since I spent the whole movie trying to accumulate proof to help support a theory I have about Tom Cruise. I believe that Tom Cruise is a genetic phenomenon. I've discovered that Tom Cruise does, in fact, have one tooth directly in the middle of his face.

Exhibit A:

I believe that Tom Cruise may be the only man to have out grown Hydrocephalus. This could be one of the greatest scientific finds of the new century. Also, his wife is equally important because, according to Batman Begins, she has a rare genetic disorder that gave her 4 nipples.

Exhibit B

From my calculations, they are capable of having 4 children at one time with a gestation period half that of a normal human. They should grow up to look something like this...

In only a few years, they could have an entire army. Save us, Lord Zenu.
(Blessings and praise be upon his name)

Anyway, All the Right Moves is actually a really good sports movie. You get to see Marty McFly's mom's boobies, an 18-year-old Chris Penn, and you get to see Craig T. Nelson really put the nail in his typecast-coffin. Also, coach gives one of the best pre-game speeches in cinematic history... the part right after 2:00 really gets me pumped up.

Don't sugar-coat it, coach

Adding it up: Chris Penn + Lorraine Mcfly's adorable rack + a perfect 80's soundtrack + inspirational speeches = 6 out of 8mm